i am not easy.
i want to be easier. first meeting laughter and conversation.
i want to be heartfelt hugs with strangers. deliberate handshakes.
i want to be soft and sultry, all ‘babe’ and ‘darling’ and ‘what’s cooking good looking?’
i want to be ‘lets do dinner this evening’, last minute plans and ease.
but i am not easy.
i am slow and delicate. words on a text message checked three times before sending.
i am anxious, replaying conversations. over and over.
and i am faultering.
all: ‘hey…um… are you busy? i..err… was gonna go and do something. but you don’t have to if you don’t want to…’
i am all heaviness and weight. all dragging my being through life.
i want to be easy. i want to float through life. light and air.
love and grace.
i want to be easy.
— i want to be easy. f.gabdon (via thegabdonwrites)
—Ingrid Bergman (via h-o-r-n-g-r-y)
—Y.Z (via rustyvoices)
—Edgar Allan Poe (via observando)
'Tell me what happens the first time you see a woman naked.'
'The first time you see a woman naked will not be like you imagined. There will be no love, no trust, no intimacy. You won’t even be in the same room as her.
You won’t get to smile as she undresses you and you undress her. You won’t get to calm her nerves with nerves of your own. You won’t get to kiss her, feeling her lips and the edge of her tongue. You won’t get to brush your fingers over the lace of her bra or count her ribs or feel her heartbeat.
The first time you see a woman naked you will be sitting in front of a computer screen watching someone play at intimacy and perform at sex. She will contort her body to please everyone in the room but her. You will watch this woman who is not a woman, pixelated and filtered and customized. She will come ready-made, like an order at a restaurant. The man on the screen will be bigger than you, rougher than you. He will teach you how to talk to her. He will teach you where to put your hands and he will teach you what you’re supposed to like. He will teach you to take what is yours.
You must unlearn this. You must unlearn this twisted sense of love. You must unlearn the definition of pleasure and intimacy you are being taught. Kill this idea of love, this idea of entitlement, this way of scarring one another.’
I won’t say that “you broke me”. You’re not that powerful, I’m not that weak. You are not more powerful than my Lord who has promised me protection. You didn’t break me, you made me sad. And sadness passes. And my Lord is eternal.